In case of nuclear attack, please maintain six feet social distance and wear your mask as you bend over and kiss your, um, backside goodbye.

Image from FEMA at

I don’t know how any comedian can possibly develop new jokes when competing against the silly, silly people in the public health community. And FEMA.

(Updates at end of article describing laughter that is emerging around the ol’ internet.)

The mental giants, the phenomenal geniuses at FEMA have the following advice to survive the fallout of a nuclear explosion:

Most importantly, after the explosion, please do get indoors.

Then go the basement or interior of the building.

That’s sound advice so far.

And then?

Well, then you should

“Stay away from the outer walls and roof. Try to maintain a distance of at least six feet between yourself and people who are not part of your household. If possible, wear a mask if you’re sheltering with people who are not a part of your household. Children under two years old, people who have trouble breathing, and those who are unable to remove masks on their own should not wear them.” (emphasis added)

Well, good.

If you survive the radiation, heat, and concussion of the initial blast, quickly find interior shelter. But make sure you have your mask on and maintain your proper six foot social distancing. Gotta’ make sure that mask fits properly as you try to save your life from a nuclear bomb.

At least children who have not celebrated their second birthday don’t have to wear a mask.

Oh yeah. One last detail…Anyone who is unconscious does not need to wear a mask.

Everyone else really and truly should wear a mask as you kiss your …. goodbye.

This is so mind-bendingly stupid you probably think I made it up. 

I didn’t.


Page 1 of the screen shots is at the top of the post.  Second page, with the astoundingly wise advice, is here:

Image from FEMA at

P.S. If you detect massive amounts of sarcasm, you are absolutely correct. Clowns, like the ones who wrote this text need to laughed at, out loud, and often.

P.P.S. As you stop laughing, consider the goof-ball who wrote this text, and the wizardly supervisor who approved it, are drawing splendid federal paychecks and have the best, fattest retirement plan in the country.

Update 2/28/22: Growing number of commentators are also laughing out loud.

2/27/22 – Based Politics, Brad Polumbo – Federal Government Wants Americans to Mask, Social Distance While Sheltering From Nuclear Explosions – Comments point out two additional gems from FEMA’s official advice:

Duration to shelter in place:

“Stay inside for 24 hours unless local authorities provided instructions. Continue to practice social distancing by wearing a mask and keeping a distance of at least 6 feet between yourself and people who [sic] not part of your household.”

If you or someone in your group get really sick, say from thermal burns, radiation burns, radiation sickness, blindness from the flash, or some other medical emergency and need medical attention from the hospital, which might be radioactive dust at 20,000 feet altitude, what should you do? FEMA’s advice:

“If you’re experiencing a medical emergency, call 9-1-1 and let the operator know if you have, or think you may have, Covid-19. If you can, put on a mask before help arrives.”

2/28/22 –WJON AM, Dave Overlund – FEMA: Make sure to social distance in case of nuclear attack (opinion) – comment:

“So let me get this straight. If there is a nuclear war, the bombs are dropping and everyone is scrambling for cover I am supposed to measure out a six-foot distance between me and the others in my shelter? My biggest concern in this moment is whether or not I get Covid-19? Is this really what we’re doing now?”

In response to your observation questions, yes Dave, you have that straight.

Yes, with additional nukes likely to go off, massive radiation in the area, emergency services nonexistent for the next several days, with food, water, electricity, and sewer out of operation for a month or two, it is imperative that you maintain social distancing and keep that mask on.

Yes, Covid should be top-of-mind as you wonder if there will be another detonation.

Yes, that’s the official federal advice in the event of a nuclear attack.

2/28/22 – Zero Hedge, Tyler Durden – FEMA: In Case of Nuclear Explosion, Maintain Social Distancing and Wear a Mask – Article points out another delightful line:

“Many people may already feel fear and anxiety about the coronavirus 19 (Covid-19). The threat of nuclear explosion can add additional stress.”

Ya think?

If you see one of those Minuteman III missiles arcing through the air heading northbound at a high rate of speed, make a fast call to your counselor to discuss your anxiety about maybe catching Covid in the shelter.

2/28/22 – Lowder with Crowder, Brodigan – Biden admin updates FEMA guidelines: In event of a nuclear Armageddon, wear a mask and social distance – Article points out the same silliness already mentioned above. Two comments and one new piece of info:

“Worst-case scenario. A nuke goes off or you have sufficient warning that a nuke is about to go off because if the nuke already went off, you’d be dead (and most likely marked as a Covid death).”

Hadn’t thought about that – –  A nuclear attack would add millions to the tally of deaths caused by Covid.

Article points out the FEMA article was updated on 2/25/22, meaning these mask updates were probably added after Russia said they were raising their nuclear alert level.

Final comment, which I must quote:

“Our government is run by nincompoops.”

That’s enough for now. There are plenty more articles. If you need more laughter you can find lots of discussion on your own.

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